Wednesday, May 31, 2006

First year redux

A reader commented a while ago on my first year post:

"...it's a shame that a potential lifetime of right is being lost because
of a little wrong. If he's not shaming you, then don't shame yourself. When
you're in love, you fuck up. That's the nature of the thing. You open your
heart, and you're vulnerable, and it's scary, and you do things you later
regret. But you learn from it, and you stick with it, because what else can
you do? Nothing that's worth having is easy.Right now, you don't have what
you had. If you continue hiding, you may never have it again. Can you live
with that?"

After writing that post, I decided to contact the person in question. Yes, he's wonderful, and I probably have some lingering feelings for him, but I remembered all over again why we broke up. There WERE reasons; it wasn't a random, flighty thing as I probably implied in my first post. They were not things I could live with.

My memories tend to cloud after a very short time. I conveniently forget all the lousy stuff and remember only the good things. I remember sensations, feelings, smells, but rarely the way we used to argue about inane things or his occasional immaturity or his possessiveness. I guess this is a good thing in the grand scheme, but it means I'm prone to occasional bouts of intense nostalgia. Y'all were witness to one of those the other day.

I'm a bit of a transient, in more ways that one. At this point in time, I'm on my fourth city and my sixth boyfriend since I started university three years ago. I feel rootless sometimes, and alone, regardless of who's surrounding me. I wander partly out of necessity and partly out of a search for something better. Something that will hold me. Something to give me roots.

Because of this wandering, my relationships can sometimes feel truncated. Unfinished. I sometimes feel a need to revist them, to get closure so I can continue unfettered.

I'm feeling the need for a little closure right now. I am currently in contact with several old boyfriends, and it's starting to mess with my head. I need to clear the air with all of them and start over again.

What a jungle your heart becomes after a few years of dating. I'm dreading what I'll be like when I'm 35.


Blogger LocuTus of Borg said...

Ouch I'm 35. haha

I hear you completely though and feel the same way. Two marriages, three cities, and umpteen jobs after 10 years. Yea I feel like that.

12:09 PM  

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