HNT #4 - Assume the position

Ah, Half-Nekkid Thursday again! I must say, I really look forward to Wednesday evenings -- come home, fire up the machine and decide which picture to post from my little stash.

This time, it's me ripping off the cover of the Secretary DVD. I mentioned yesterday that it's my favourite movie; it really cemented my interest in BDSM. I have wished, in the past, for a man like Mr. Grey -- firm, harsh, clearly dominant. Someone to submit to without a thought -- someone with such charisma and force of character that to not submit is unthinkable. I still wish for that sometimes, but I've realized that this movie is a fantasy. Perhaps men like him exist, but they are few, and my chances of meeting one are slim to none.

The inimitable Mistress Matisse recently posted an email from a woman searching for a dominant man, and I really recognized myself in that woman's words. I, too, have had no trouble finding vanilla men, but truly dominant ones are more difficult. I've had a few who were willing to go there, but they were always too unsure, too inhibited, too unoriginal. I always ended up topping from the bottom, and that's no fun. I'm shy in person, and I need someone to force me to go places that I might not go on my own. Like the woman in the email, I'm looking for a man worth submitting to.

I've done some thinking recently, and I've come to the conclusion that in M, I may have found that man. This realization dawned on me slowly. At first, when he bit me or fucked me hard, I made all the appropriate noises but thought to myself, yeah, he can inflict pain, but can he dominate? I thought not -- it wasn't nearly what I thought it could be, in my fantasies. It just hurt.

But slowly, slowly, I began to give myself to him. He would bite my nipples hard, and instead of dwelling on the pain or the irrational fear that he would rip them off, I would feel the pain and then release it, thinking, what does it matter if it hurts? My nipples are his, he can do what he wants with them. And in response, my cunt would open like a flower and my heart would inch ever-so-slightly closer to his. I realized that just as he must learn to dominate, I must learn to be submissive. It's not enough to just lie there and take it -- I have to give of myself before my fantasies can be fulfilled. There are still some things, intense things, he does where I lose my concentration and just grit my teeth at the pain, but I'm learning, and that's part of the fun.