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Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Dark Side

A long time ago, I mentioned I had a dark side. (And in the sidebar, too!) That's a bit silly, in hindsight; everyone has a dark side. And mine, I suppose, in the grand (blogo-) scheme, is not particularily dark, after all. Still, I promised I would share it, so here I am.

I remember the first time I realized there was something strange about me. I was, perhaps, 15 or 16 years old, and reading a book called The Fionavar Tapestry by Guy Gavriel Kay. In it, a female character is kidnapped and raped by the villian. I remember reading that part over and over, and feeling a strange mix of excitement and discomfort. I knew I was turned on, but it disturbed me that something so cruel and sadistic could do so.

As much as I wanted to deny it, I recalled still more instances in books and movies where such a thing had attracted me. In The Princess Bride, Wesley is tortured. Jamie is tortured and raped in Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. Dracula and Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles had similar effects on me. To be honest, I felt like I must be a bit sick. What kind of person found pleasure from the depiction of such twisted events?

I tried my best to forget about it until first-year university, when I was 18, and I stumbled upon the blogs of BDSM devotees. Finally, I had confirmation that I wasn't alone and that my desires weren't sick and twisted.

Of course, that really hasn't helped my quest to find a person who is really and truly willing to explore this world with me. A couple people have humoured me with the occasional spanking but I know they're only doing it to please me. That's fine, but I'm looking for something more. I'm looking for a man who's a true sadist -- a man who does it not just to gratify me but to gratify himself; someone serious, someone wickedly creative, but someone I can also trust and care for.

I want to be tied up and spanked and fucked, yes, but I also want him to fuck with my mind. I want to be controlled and abused and violated in the most filthy, and yet the most loving, ways.

Any takers?

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