Thursday, October 07, 2004

Decisions, Decisions

There is nothing more embarrassing than unwanted cyber sex.

I was trying to finish a physics assignment with MSN running in the background when E (the guy in the last post) messaged me. He cut straight to the chase: he was coming into town in a few weeks and he wanted to get together.

Normally, this is the sort of encounter that I would jump at. The weekend he was coming down, I had agreed to house sit for some neighbours, so we would have a huge, beautiful house all to ourselves. On the other hand, I was plus one boyfriend since our last meeting.

But this man, this man is like a drug. No matter how many times I try to break the habit, I keep coming back for more. I agreed to meet him on the designated weekend, but I was very conflicted. All I wanted was for him to leave me alone while I decided what to do.

I tried telling him that I really needed to finish my assignment (which was true.) But he didn’t take the hint. Instead, he launched into a very graphic description of just what he intended to do to me once we were together. Normally I’d go along with it in the spirit of things, but today I was NOT in the mood. I didn’t want to tell him to take a hike, though, because I do care about him and he was clearly enjoying himself.

I tried to interject some witty comments in an attempt to cool him off, and finally he wrote:

“You don’t seem very turned on by this.”

My fingers were itching to type, “Yeah, well, your ‘heaving passions’ don’t go too well with my tangential acceleration,” but that would have been cruel. So I just said “I’m not very good at this.” Which was lame, but it shut him up.

I still had the problem of what to do about his impending visit. My body yearns for his, it always has, but every time we get together, I spend weeks afterwards sad and depressed. Like Samantha of Sex and the City says, “Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it’s good, you don’t have it anymore, and if it’s bad, well, you just had sex with an ex!” For reasons I won’t go into, an actual relationship with him is out of the question, and sex is just a reminder of what I no longer have.

And then, of course, there’s the issue of my current boyfriend. I love him. We’ve had a very complicated relationship, breaking up and only recently getting back together, but I feel closer to him than anyone else in my life. He’s someone I can see myself getting old with. Ever since I’ve started dating, all I’ve wanted is that one person to depend on, to be with the same person for years, even though I’m not even close to wanting to get married. He’s that person. We don’t play games; we fight but underneath it all is the understanding that we are committed to each other. I don’t live in that perpetual fear of rejection that has plagued most of my relationships.

So why would I want to throw that all away for one night with my ex? He excites me in a way that BF doesn’t. But is it worth it? I don’t think so.

I messaged E yesterday to tell him I can’t meet him this weekend. A part of me is very sad. But he’s bad for me. And I know it.


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